As I was coming to the end of CBT my therapist told me the real test of how well I was doing would be the anxiety I had when I was not seeing her any more, and not on meds any more, and seeing how I dealt with that. That test has now come and I don't think I'm doing very well.
The last couple of months have been really busy for me, I was offered a job in Oxford so started the process of finding somewhere to live in Reading with my boyfriend. We found an amazing flat, but the day before we were due to move in were told by the estate agents that the previous tenants were refusing to move out, and there was nothing the estate agents could do to make them. This led to three weeks of my boyfriend and I living in his room, in a shared house with six other guys, not ideal. The day after this I started my new job, which included a two hour commute each way. All of these things were not suited to making me less anxious, nor was the fact I'd not been able to get to the doctor so was basically going off my anti-depressants on my own.
After a week and a half or so of having no time to myself I started to get anxious, disliking being in the communal kitchen, not being able to settle to anything and wanting to be on my own. Stupidly I didn't recognise the signs, I knew I was anxious but I didn't think what that meant, and I didn't do anything about it. Surprisingly enough this made me more anxious, my boyfriend noticed, and I ended up kicking him out of his room so I could have a few hours to myself in his room, and we started spending less time on the communal kitchen generally, which helped.
Three weeks late we finally got into the flat, though there were still numerous issues with getting my stuff in, getting the furniture the landlady had left behind taken away, and after over a week in the flat we still have had no cleaning done, no repairs, only one set of keys and no bed. Still, we're not longer living in one room, and I am a lot happier now I've got all of my stuff, having access to my books and comics is especially making me happier.
However, I have still been anxious, and while I'm sure all the stress is not helping I don't think it's the only thing that is making me anxious. Another problem is adjusting to living with someone, which is very different from living in a shared house and spending a lot of time with someone. I went from having nearly every evening totally on my own, to really only having my commute on my own, and that doesn't count really, as of course I'm surrounded my loads of people on the train and bus. I've always known I'm an introvert, and like to be alone to recharge after social situations, but now I can't. Now I'm basically in a social situation all of the time, even if it's just my boyfriend and I. It's low-level, but it is taking it's toll.
Things came to a head last night. At the weekend by boyfriend had been due to go out with a friend, meaning I would have had the house to myself for the evening, but he got cancelled on and I didn't. I've been feeling odd for a few days, not quite the happier self I've been since CBT and meds. I've been irritable and strange feeling, but again didn't recognise it at what is must have been - an anxious introvert not getting enough alone time.
Instead of having a fun night out I was irritable and moody, and no matter how hard I tried not to be I kept slipping back to being in a bad mood. Obviously, this did not make for a fun boyfriend, who got annoyed, which just made me feel worse. Cut to leaving early from the burlesque night, after I had gone and had a little cry in the toilets, and feeling like shit on the journey home. It wasn't a full-on anxiety attack, but it was close. I basically refused to talk about it last night, which was maybe not sensible, but I also knew attempting to do anything other than take a diazepam and go to sleep would just make me a hysterical mess.
I'm ok this morning, I slept really badly and I'm exhausted and sad, but I can deal with that. My boyfriend has yet again been awesome, and I think we're ok, and I have a big bar of chocolate to eat, and a raft of work to distract me, plus I am going to get the house to myself this evening. I feel bad essentially kicking my boyfriend out of his own house, but I also am a lot nicer to live with when I've had a decent amount of alone time.
Though I didn't have a full-blown anxiety attack, I also basically forgot most of the stuff I learned in CBT. I haven't kept an eye out for the signs of anxiety, I didn't talk myself out of it, and trying to pretend it's not happening. I need to do more preventative stuff, such as making a concerted effort to have enough time on my own each week, but also I really need to do much better when I am in a situation that is making me anxious, even if that is just leaving the situation and calming down, rather than trying to pretend I'm fine, when I'm really not. Last night I failed the test, but not totally, now I just need to remind myself it could have been a lot worse, and up my self-care. I will be ok, but only if I am gentler with myself, and pay more attention to the way I am feeling.
