OkCupid changed my life.

I've written on here about my quest to get more friends, including posts about Girlfriend Social and living a more fulfilled life, but I haven't yet written about the site that has made a really big difference to me - OkCupid. I don't really feel the need to explain how OkCupid works, but I was attracted to it mostly because it's free, but also because it has a reputation for having a huge, and fairly young, number of users.
I joined on a whim, but got quite into writing my profile, and fairly quickly went from lurking on the profiles of cute people without messaging them to actually writing and replying to messages. Lots of the people who I messaged didn't get back to me, but I've found myself being much more ok with that than I'd have ever expected. I've not historically been great with rejection, this is linked to the social anxiety thing of thinking people are just pretending to like me, but it's a lot easier on the internet. So a few of my messages get ignored, or conversations fizzle out, because it's online it feels very low-stakes, there are always more cute people to message.
The next step of OkCupid improving my socialisation and confidence was actually meeting people for dates, or kind of dates, I spent a lot of time trying to work out if I was on a date or not. I met up with four people over the course of a few weeks, including a couple who I've seen since as friends, and every time it was much better than I was expecting it to be. The first time was nerve-wracking, even meeting someone for lunch was a huge deal to me, but I've enjoyed myself so much. I've been a bit starved for female companionship, and OkCupid has changed that so much. I've had conversations about make up and feminism! I've sat by the Thames talking about having a changing sexual identity and being poly! A few months ago I didn't know anyone who I could do these things with, and perhaps it's ironic that a dating site has helped me find some really good friends, but I'm ok with that.
 There have been some not so great moments too. I've spent some time not having my profile available for men to see, because I was so bored of getting either one word messages, or at the other extreme, constant requests for threesomes and long, sexually explicit fantasies. They used to upset me, but I'm getting a much thicker skin now. I've also worked out that the appropriate response is snarky reply, followed by blocking the guy, and it is always a guy.
Not all of the men who have messaged me have been like that though, many have been perfectly nice and it is not their fault that I've been generally uninterested. I have met up with one guy from the site, and it's was the most date-like date that I went on, so I have been using it in it's intended way. I've had a couple of conversations where people have expressed surprise about me using a dating site mostly for friendship, but I've found it pretty easy to carve out my own little niche. Not only have I met plenty of people who are interesting in pursuing friendship if nothing more comes out of the date, but I've also met people interested in more, despite the fact I'm in a relationship.
Though I didn't know when I joined there is quite an impressive polyamorous community on OkCupid, possibly helped by the fact you can set your relationship as 'seeing someone' while still using the site to meet people, and I've seen quite a few couples who both us the site, and link to each others profiles. Not only that, but it's fairly LGBT friendly (though could do with more sexuality and gender options) and with users able to add questions there is the oportunity to show a preference for ethic non-monogamy which affects your matches, increasing the chance of meeting like-minded people. It's because of OkCupid that I've met other poly people, been more confident in talking about my own polyamoury and been to a poly-friendly club night. Again, more unexpected, but amazing, benefits.
I know a lot of people who read this post won't be surprised by anything I've said, I'm preaching to the converted to some extent, and there will probably be people reading this I've met through OkCupid. That just provides more evidence of how great the site has been for me, it has changed my life, and for the better, in expected and unexpected ways. So, OkCupid, I love you!

A natural progression.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four years. We've not lived in the same city for most of that time, I've has two distinct periods of mental illness, there's been family problems and deaths, we're both had periods of unemployment or being unhappy in our jobs. Despite that we've been happy. We hardly argue, we talk all the time, he really is my best friend. To be honest we act more like a lovey-dovey couple who have been together a few months.
However, in the past few months there has been a big change in our relationship. It's never been a jealous relationship, in fact it has never been explicitly monogamous and one of us checking out another person is by no means a big deal. In fact, it often leads to jokes about how my boyfriend has a 'type', it's very easy for me to tell in a room of people who will catch his attention, he can do the same about me. Early on in our relationship he made out with another girl, when my boyfriend told me he was really worried I'd break up with him, but I really didn't mind. I can get jealous, very occasionally, but was not at all in this case, it just isn't really something that happens to me.
Although this incident was not repeated I think it stuck with both of us. A few months ago I turned 26, marking 10 years since I had any kind of sexual or romantic contact with a woman. My boyfriend has always said he wouldn't want to stop me experiencing this side of my sexuality, but for some reason this began to seem more urgent to both of us. Our relationship was clearly not going anywhere, but neither was my desire to be with a woman. I had also said I wanted my first time having sex with a woman to be just me, not a threesome, which my boyfriend respected and understood. With some discussion we moved from an implicit agreement I could have sex with a woman to an explicit one.
I joined OkCupid, which has been a revelation. I met up with a couple of people, meetings that turned out to just be friendly but also made me feel a lot more confident about what I wanted. It was around that time that my boyfriend and I had a discussion about fairness, about how I could sleep with another person but he couldn't. We also talked about what would happen if I met someone I really liked, who I wanted more than friendship or sex with. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but suddenly it seemed like the obvious thing to open up our relationship, to stop being at all monogamous.
He also joined OkCupid, both our profiles are very honest about our non-monogamy, and discussing people we're talked to or met through it has become part of our regular conversations. I've also done a lot of reading about polyamoury and non-monogamy, the internet is excellent for this, and it turns out I know a surprising amount of people who are ethically non-monogamous. One of these is possibly my closest female friend, she has a husband and a boyfriend, and is a real inspiration to me. We've talked quite a lot about her non-monogamy, and mine, and it's been really interesting and helpful. In fact everyone who I have talked to about non-monogamy has been, I feel like I've learned so much in the last few weeks.
This is the part that is hard to write, because I am very aware of respecting other people's privacy. All I can say is that my boyfriend and I's non-monogamy is no longer theoretical, and the whole experience has been both better and easier than I was expecting. There is no jealousy or insecurity, and for everyone involved there has been good communication.
I understand that my boyfriend and I are at the start of this journey, and though it has been overwhelmingly positive so far there are likely to be bad times. Already things have happened to change the dynamics we thought we would have - I mentioned that there is an explicit agreement we can both sleep/ have relationships with other women (he's straight, I'm not). This was because he didn't think he would be able to cope with me having sex with another man, this has been tested to destruction and disproved.  So that's changed, in fact I have a date with a guy this week. It works because even before being non-monogamous we're very honest with each other and we communicate well.
I feel very positive about the way things are going, excited even. Non-monogamy is not for everyone, but I think it is for me, and I think it is for my boyfriend. I'm beginning to feel like a recent convert trying to get everyone else on board too, that's not what I'm doing, but I do want to talk about my experiences, and I'm just lucky they've been so good so far.

Confidence raising through commenting on blogs.

My efforts to make friends through Girlfriend Social were not successful, but I have not been put of. I'm still not ready to start talking to people in real life, but I figure any little step I make is good, and so began commenting on two blogs I read, XOJane and Autostraddle. Between them these sites have, in just a few weeks, expanded my ideas and reignited my interests.
XOJane is the site that has sparked my interest in taking more care of myself, it's the reason I'm not eating sugar, the reason I now actually moisturise everyday (my skin feels so much nicer!) and gave myself a mini-manicure. It's matter-of-fact approach is perfect, real people recommending products they spend their own money on is great, but also the emphasis on self care as something that can improve the way you feel about yourself mentally is really good for me. Also, I often do a thing where I assume I won't like people, that I won't have anything in common with them. With XOJane I find myself wanting to be friends with so many of the writer's, because they are awesome, which has in turn made me think remember that a lot of the ways I think about friendship are informed by my social anxiety, but hopefully my CBT will help with that.
The other awesome thing about XOJane? It's reignited my interest in feminism! And not just feminism, the emphasis on intersectional feminism , so I've been reading posts that have made me want to read about disability rights, I've learned about fat acceptance. I've been more interested in wider things than I have been in ages, maybe this is just the antidepressants talking and I hadn't realised how much I'd been in a rut, but reading people's post, and the amazing comments section, has really had an impact on me.
Autostraddle is having the same effect on me, in different directions. It's a lesbian blog with a very queer feel, very inclusive, and very interesting. It's made me want to read about queer theory again, as well as reminding me how little I know about things like the Civil Rights movement. It's the only place where, when joining, I was able to tick the 'pansexual' box, normally I'm impressed if I can choose 'bisexual' or 'other'. Also, there is an amazing column that is just links to interesting articles, not generally about queerness, but about all sorts of other things, the KKK, child beauty pageants, medical insurance. I've been trying to read a wider variety of fiction and nonfiction, and this column makes it easy.
These two sites have made me feel part of a community, even before I started commenting, and I like commenting, I find it easier to talk to people online, and both sites are so friendly and casual. If I can talk to people easily online, even if it's just saying I liked their article, or that I too can't stand tinned tuna, it's a step closer to be being comfortable talking to people in real life.

Girlfriend Social

I joined Girlfriend Social last week, after reading about other people struggling to make female friends say it's probably the largest online platonic 'dating' site. It's free, which is always a good thing, and there seem to be a lot of people from London on it, this sort of site seems to work best if you live in large cities.
I was a little put off by the design, it's very pink, and the name, but it is American. However, that and all the cheesy pictures did make me wonder how useful I would find the site. It's really easy to set up a profile, and to see other people who are in the same area as you. There is a detailed search option as well, which is easy to use and has hundreds of possible permutations.
The first thing about this site that surprised me was people sending me invites! I tend to assume people think badly of me, possibly stemming from being a teenage goth and regularly getting stuff shouted at me by people at school, on one memorable occasion I had stones thrown at me. It didn't bother me that much, but I do tend to assume people still see me as one of the weird kids hanging out on the beach wearing black. The idea that people would look at a picture of me and a couple of lines of writing and think 'I'd be friends with her' is odd. It's especially odd that the site is women only, I'm very used to the line between friendship and attraction blurring, or being noticed by men who find me attractive, I'm actually a lot less comfortable when it comes to platonic relationships, I'm often unsure how to deal with them.
The second thing about the site that surprised me was that the people sending me friend requests seem to have nothing in common with me. My profile talks about books, a lot, because I have very few other hobbies, so a friend request from someone where their profile says 'I don't really read' is very odd to me. What would we talk about? Also, people with kids, this is probably me being snobby, but I'm not sure how much I want friends with children, I don't have children and won't be for at least the next 10 years, maybe never, I do quite like children but I don't want to spend all of my time talking about them. Though someone who liked the same books and music as me and had children wouldn't be such a problem, but I think it would need to be more than a couple of shared interests.
I was actually a little disappointed, so far I haven't seen any people I think I would really have a lot in common with. I don't really like small talk, I'd much rather talk about what I think is going to happen in A Song of Ice and Fire or why Arrow is really disappointing, so shared interests are as important as chemistry to me. A lot of the girls on the site say they want to do 'girly' things, I'm immediatly put off, I've never thought of myself as girly, though I do like make-up and clothes I prefer books. I'm clearly a snob in many ways, anyone who doesn't spell totally puts me off too, I won't even look at the profile.
I'll keep looking at the site, but I'm not sure that Girlfriend Social is the way for me to meet people. It's a shame, because I am more comfortable online, but I think I'm also more comfortable in a niche setting, I'm more likely to meet people I share interests with in a gig or bar than on a site where the only thing I share with most people is a gender.

So how did I end up with no friends?

I've always been ok at making friends but no good at keeping them. On my first day of secondary we were told to split into groups of three for an orienteering exercise, I thought, 'Excellent, my two best friends from primary school and I shall be a group'. Nope. They told me they were going with someone else and proceeded to barely speak to me for the next year. Luckily I was taken pity on my some other girls and ended up with a good group of friends but it was crushing, these girls had been my best friends for years.
However, secondary school was where I met my first proper best friend, we were inseparable, and even stayed really close for years after I moved away, until we hit 14/15 and she was doing drugs, running away from home, being sent to boarding school out of the country and becoming a chav, while I was still a shy goth who worked hard at school and was frankly intimidated by her, we drifted apart. I've drifted apart from a lot of friends since then.
I've also learned being friends with boys is hard, I've had to turn down several romantic advances, and then you get to question if it's worth trying to continue the friendship, despite the complications. However, I did make some good friends at my second high school, and at other schools in the area, nothing like hanging out in the local parks and skateparks to meet interesting people. I was best friends with a girl from another school for a long time, we became a lot less close after my boyfriend dumped me to go out with her. I said I was ok with it, I wasn't of course, I was heartbroken and jealous, mostly of him. The relationship didn't even last, she dumped him on the day before Valentines and she started hanging out with people who like drum'n'bass and clubbing. I felt uncool and ignored around them, we stopped talking. This is one of the few occasions I can't see that I did anything wrong.
 Unfortunately I went to a different college from most of my friends, and that was that, I don't even remember if I tried to keep in touch with my friends from school, I just made a new group, which was excellent for three year but not so good when I was at uni. In second and third year I had uni in London, friends in one town, family in a second and a boyfriend in a third. It was exhausting, especially as my friends hardly came to London, neither did my family. Also, my friendship group slowly began to disintegrate, or rather spilt in two, everyone kind of chose sides, including me. Still, I'd made friends in London, I was even living with them, it was all ok.
Then, during my final year on uni, my boyfriend has a psychiatric break. Nobody knew what it was, it had happened before, but I'd been blithely assuming it wouldn't happen when he was with me. It was a very bad time, and tipped me over the edge into full-blown depression, I spent a lot of time sitting blankly in my uni lesson, not taking everything in, crying, and getting calls from his parents telling my things like he'd run away from hospital and if he came to my house to call the police so they could come and get him. Oh, and I was in the middle of moving house and trying to write my dissertation. I was not a nice person to be around. As my boyfriend got better I saw him a few times, we broke up properly, though I'd felt single for three months, and I did not get happier. I was so miserable, and I wanted everyone else to be miserable, I also felt like my friends didn't want to talk to me about it, at least not the ones I lived with. My two best male friends were amazing, everyone else I pushed further and further away until I was living in a house with three people who didn't talk to me. This was probably my fault, but I think the fact I was ill  should have cut me some slack.
Anyway, that was the end of uni friends, most of the people I knew were only friends with me because of a mutual friend so they stopped talking to me once she did, and I didn't care, I was too busy trying to get a job and fit therapy around it. I even found a new boyfriend, who I had more in common with than most of my friends anyway.
So I was left with two friends, who over the next year or so I also lost touch with. I was living in different towns from them, and they had their own friendship groups and lives, it was easier not to talk, and I wasn't that lonely. The slipping away may have had something to do with the fact they're both male, I had a lot of male company, I spend most of my spare time with my boyfriend,  it's girl friends I really struggle with. Of course now I am lonely, not helped by my shyness worsening until it is full on social phobia, complete with an especial fear of talking to stranger in large groups.
What have I learned from 20 years of friendships? That I find it easy to slip out of touch with people, especially those I don't live near or see regularly. That's something I'll have to watch, and something I do feel bad about. Also, girls are fickle. Or maybe I am just really bad at choosing friends. Maybe I should be asking people 'will you stop hanging out with me if our music tastes change?' or 'will you go out with my ex even though you know I still like him?' I'm better at staying friends with boys for a long time, honestly girls baffle me. Also that perhaps I am not a very good friend, I tend to be a bit unstable, this can't be fun to be around, and I'm stuck in my ways, I haven't changed much since I was 15, I'm not ready to settle down yet, no kids or house for me, but at the same time I don't like clubbing, or big event, or really outgoing people.
At least now I am really motivated to meet people, far to scared at the moment, but at least I want to, once I do have the courage to talk to more people hopefully I'll be able to make wise choices and make the move from acquaintance to friend.